My name is Tanya...and I am beautiful..that's right..bitches

It has been awhile.. here I am back up to 165.6 and with a severe muffin top.. oh lord..I am fine with never being a size 0 ..however ..I would love to be a friggin 5..ugh.. So my plan is to start dieting again tomorrow.. I hate this time of year..It is sooo hard to stay motivated and lose weight.. between thanksgiving and christmas.. the delicious food and the lack of sunlight at the end of my work day.. I feel soo blah..95 % of the day . And I ate like 18 cookies this past weekend.. I am not proud of that.. or am I ? .. Then I watch ANTM and thinking to myself maybe..an eating disorder is in order.. anorexia.. nah I like eating way too much.. bulemia is def more down my alley.. (I can kid about this..because I have had both eating disorders in the past..so judge me now bitches) I am kidding.. half kidding.


But honestly.. the way that females are viewed in this society is totally effed up.. horrible. I have heard of several cases where schools have labeled children as "borderline obese" or just simply "obese" and these children are by no stretch of the imagination conventionally obese.. not even fat.. and by most standards.. not chubby they are pretty much your average kid. When I was little.. it was called baby fat.. and you grew out of it.. as you have growth spurts....you slim down..It saddens me that we are holding young children especially girls at such unrealistic standards regarding their body images.. Girls are already basically becoming anorexic before they get their period...now.. they are being told in 1st grade they are fat. Seriously? It is bad enough that we cannot see "Real" women in magazines..and how a lane bryant commercial with a curvy woman in a bra and panties cannot be shown on tv because of its "content" on the same channel that without a thought...will run a VS ad.. double standard much? a size 3 in a bra and panties.. is fine.. a size 13 in a bra and panties...is despicable. Curvy women unite.. let's get together and have a burger!!

I do think it is very important to teach good eating habits and exercise.. of course.. But to make a "child" worry about their weight..when it is obviously NOT an issue is detremental to their health.. more so then the extra 5 they packed on between growth spurts.. and YES.. there are kids that do have weight problems and YES..they should be addressed...and of course.. I understand there has to be a line drawn somewhere.. of course.. but seriously a children that looks perfectly healthy and are active..why do they have to be given a self esteem issue just because thin is in?

I have struggled my whole life with my looks.. my distorted body image and my hatred of my complexion..and this was something brought on by myself well with help from the media of course and this society's emphasis on being "skinny and perfect" ...but my point is.. I was plenty effed up without the help of my school nurse.. At my skinniest I was a size 0 and 120 lbs ..and that was with 2 eating disorders and lots of diet pills ..
so.. even though being skinny seems so great a lot of the time.. it wasn't all that great. trust me. I have came to the conclusion I will never be a size 0 again.. and oddly enough..most of the time.. I am okay with that.

I have stretch marks and saggy skin and my boobs have felt the evil clutches of gravity and breastfeeding .. (TMI?) but.. that's because I made a human.. I carried a beautiful little daughter in my belly for 37 weeks.. and I probably would have bounced back a lot better/faster.. if I didn't eat everything in sight while pregnant.. But I digress.. I have came to terms with my "new" body.. Just because my body isn't worthy of being in a magazine.. just because I won't be able to wear a bikini again.. doesn't make me any less beautiful.

So my daughter will be 11 months December 7...so.. it took all this time for me to come to the realization that this is my body and some days I am more okay with that ..than other days. But my point is.. I have been through years of hating my body.. and loving it ..then hating it again... (most of the time.. I hated it) Even though now I am not 110% in love with my body ...I still consider myself a beautiful person.. and not only because of what I look like.. I am a great mother.. not perfect but I do my absolute best...and dedicate every breath to my daughter.. I have ..in my opinion..THE BEST sense of humor..EVER..I have odd little quirks that make me ..me.. etc etc..

So from here on out.. I will be watching what I eat.. staying active.. but not killing myself to get thin. I am going to try and not dwell on my looks.. as hard as that is.. I will be trying my absolute best to not gain anymore weight.. but if I do.. that's fine.. I will still be awesome...as awesome as I am now

and remember.. fat people are harder to kidnap..

and I quote...

Today I declare quote day... some reason I am really into quotes today.. SO here are some quotes that inspire me and ones that I just plain love..

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt 

In a gentle way, you can shake the world.
Mohandas Gandhi 

Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
Victor Kiam 

Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.
Alfred A. Montapert 

Relax? Sleep? Me time?

What are 3 things that I can't remember what they feel like????
DING DING DING.. COOORREECT


Well.. I am beyond exhausted and stressed out.. totally the stereotypical 1st time mommy. So when I complain or breakdown from lack of sleep I try and remind myself at least... billions of other women go thru this too.. Does that make me feel better?? Uh.. not really. But when I see her face ... it makes it worth it..

So now I am down to 171 or 171.6 depending on the time of day.. damn weight flucuating. I will admit I have not been counting my points.. BUT I do keep track in my head.. I basically have an idea of what I can eat and what I cannot eat throughout the day.. I have been slacking in the exercise dept though.. :( After chasing this baby around the last thing I want to do when she finally naps is exercise.. I have been trying to push myself though..

The best part of losing this stupid weight is getting my confidence back. I am feeling brand new.. its kinda nice. well more than kinda nice. It's great. :) Good stuff. I know I posted before about losing myself after having Emma.. which is still basically a true story but slowly I am getting back to my old-self. And I am getting pretty much used to the exhaustion and not having enough time in the day to do everything I need to do.....

With being a mommy.. I finally feel appreciated.. It's been a really long time.. if not the 1st time I truly felt appreciated ...she can't tell me.. But I know she does. :)

thoughts?

Today...Mood ::: Incredibly and utterly.. Blah.. 


::::Some kinda....ok things ::::

• Emma crawled to meeeee!! ( okay so something totally awesome happened)
• Work  did NOT make me cry today....progress
• Stayed within my points.. go me. 
• No soap in my eye

Ok.. That's all I got.. 

SO I did NOT exercise today.. yes.. I am a heffer. 

Beauty Blunder

Lesson learned tonight : no matter how much eye makeup I have on that needs to be removed.. DO NOT use your facial cleanser all over your face...including around your eyes.. I have spent 20 minutes now flushing my eyes out with water..and squinting to successfully walk around my house ...the burning has now eased up..so I am gonna try and get some sleep.

I love food.. but I want to be skinny.. woe is me.

Well.. I ate my weight in ribs tonight.. and cheesy rice.. and now it's 10:15 pm.. drinking my nighttime tea.. and thinking of what a heffer I was tonight.. insert sad face here.

Regretting not hopping on my bike tonight before or after dinner.. it's probably too late now..it may wake Emma up.. excuses excuses.. Oh I know.

Night time rituals = complete..

Night foot cream...check..

Now here comes the hard part... sleep.. Emma is now sleeping so ideally right now is the best time for me to go to bed.. but... unfortunately that is not how my brain works.

Now time.. for some random thoughts to wind down ....

*watching 17 again.. was that syllus from weeds? I think so..

*Wishing I had money so I could go on Ebay and buy things

*Why are movies so quiet..then when the commercials come on ... they are soo friggin loud it scares the shit out of you???

*thunder just woke Emma up...now I am holding her....good night

random acts of stupidity

I was watching Tosh.0 last night and saw a "hate" video someone posted and then a mock one that Daniel Tosh did.. It made me think.. of doing something similiar.. I won't shoot a video.. simply because I hate watching myself on video..I hate my voice.. etc etc

So instead I am composing a list...typed out of things I hate or just simply things that bug me... things that "grind my gears" if you will..

So here is the question ...should I number these or not..??? People love a good numbered list though...right??

Things that make me mad...grrrr...

1. People over 5 years old that feel they  "have to" take a nap daily.

2. Ordering a medium well steak.. that is never just that.. either it's still moo'ing or it's well done

3.  When skinny people say how much they love eating

4.  Cigarettes

5.  People that constantly complain about drama in their lives but are the ones that always cause it


**********************************************************************************

So now I am just in the mood to make random lists.. I am bored....don't judge me

Some fun random facts........

1. I always carry deodorant in my purse or diaper bag..whatever I carrying.. I have a stick in both

2.  I don't know how to relax..I always feel like I should be doing something.. and if I am not doing something I feel guilty for it

3.  I like the smell of chlorine

4.  I am addicted to pizza

5.  I hate wearing shoes...but won't go barefoot.. I will only wear flip flops..then Uggs in the winter time


5 things I can reach right now

1.  my phone

2.  my breast pump

3.  my iced coffee

4.  the boppy

5.  my camera

5 things I would do if I hit the lottery for millions and millions of dollars ....

1.  Buy a house

2.  Pay off our bills

3.  Buy a 4-wheel drive vehicle

4.  Rescue a bunch of pugs/puggles/french bulldogs/boston terriers.. 

5.  Quit my job

Random Pictures...

xoxooxoxoox

Done 1.2 lbs since last week!

I am averaging 1-1.5 lbs per week..:) I have lost 6 lbs since July 25!! I accepted a challenge to exercise for 30 min a day for a minimum of 3 times per week.. which I have done.. and then some.. Now I am up to 60 min per day approximately 6 days per week. Sometimes I take a day off. My workout plan consists of walking/running...sometimes my exercise bike. My short term goal was 175 lbs by August 27, Now I am at 175.8 so I will be well below my short term goal by the end of the month !!!

AND my stretch marks are practically invisible!! YES!!! makes me want to start working out right now!! I love seeing results.. especially when I am working so hard at it !

Trying to have a social life with no friends...possible?

Well maybe it's not that I don't have any friends.. But that's how it feels most days.. I sit here with the baby and the dog.. and just be pathetic.

Now that I am 30...it seems that it is harder and harder to have people to hang out with.. everyone is so busy in their own lives.. It's official. I am old and boring.

So today.. I have off.. however I am planning on working a couple hours to make up some time that I missed this week. Might as well right? what the hell else do I have to do.. Still haven't had the money to get my car inspected so I am afraid to drive anywhere.. I think the $300 I had to pay in fines the last time I got caught driving with an expired inspection was plenty enough for now.. SO ..here I am. sitting here.writing.in.a.blog.that nobody reads. It has come to this. how sad.

Oh and I must add. I am watching the Disney channel and the baby is sleeping.

blah.

I am starting to feel like myself again.. spooky

So now that I am losing weight.. I am returning.. the real me. Sounds crazy ..right? Oh I know.. But every since I found out I was pregnant and had my beautiful daughter ...I have not felt like me. I lost myself....I became a fat boring version of myself..Lost my confidence .


It is slowing come back now..To me this diet/weight loss ....is more than that..It's somewhat of a journey to become ME again. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin..since.. well.. my wedding day.. I was thin ...I was small and my dress fit perfectly. That was the last time I can remember feeling "good" about myself... Now, I am only referring to myself.. my self image.. Being a mother has been great..please don't get me wrong. I have loved every second of it.. My daughter is a blessing.. and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.. But with that being said.. I owe it to her to be happy. 


My image problem has been just that a "problem" ..making leaving the house a huge task. Feeling unattractive & monster like... This may sound like an exaggeration ..I can assure you.. It is not. 
I have been living in pajama pants and sweat pants for the past 6 months.. Embarrassed to wear normal clothes..thinking that other people would just view me as sloppy and since I couldn't fit in anything ...I would try and not leave the house ..I did not want to buy clothes.. some how that was like ...saying "It's okay I am fat & unattractive" ..and I could not bring myself to do that.  Once right after my daughter was born..I had to break down and buy a pair of jeans.. only because I had NOTHING else to wear.. all my old jeans ... were way...waaaaay too small and my maternity jeans were too big and wouldn't stay up.. so I found myself in the fitting room struggling with the image staring back at me.. Remembering when I was a size 7 ...now.. trying on and fitting into size 16 jeans. This could NOT be me.


Let me say this.. I know at least one person will read this and chuckle to themselves and think I am being over dramatic...because maybe size 16 isn't that big.. or .. well I just had a baby.. what did I expect ? ... I am sure.. maybe it's you.. maybe you are jumping to judgement.. and thinking I am just a self centered.. egotistical asshole.. That's fine.. but do me a favor ..give me the benefit of doubt.. Maybe ..just maybe...I am being completely honest and not over dramatic.. and putting myself out there and discussing something that I keep deep inside because I have been afraid of being judged and called a drama queen.. or whatever. You may think that I only care about looks.. or that I think that if a person is overweight .. they need to be embarrassed and unable to be happy.. No.. that is NOT it at all.. I am jealous of anyone 110 lbs or 300 lbs that can be happy with themselves.. That feeling is not a feeling I am familiar with. 

The weight is coming off!!!

I am not sure how long it's been now.. But I have been on weight watchers and I am down about 30 lbs altogether since my last dr's appt :) Bye Bye baby weight!!

My short term goal of 175 lbs by August 27 is only 3 lbs away!!!

My ultimate goal is to get down to 135 lbs by January 7, Emma's 1st birthday!