Well maybe it's not that I don't have any friends.. But that's how it feels most days.. I sit here with the baby and the dog.. and just be pathetic.
Now that I am 30...it seems that it is harder and harder to have people to hang out with.. everyone is so busy in their own lives.. It's official. I am old and boring.
So today.. I have off.. however I am planning on working a couple hours to make up some time that I missed this week. Might as well right? what the hell else do I have to do.. Still haven't had the money to get my car inspected so I am afraid to drive anywhere.. I think the $300 I had to pay in fines the last time I got caught driving with an expired inspection was plenty enough for now.. SO ..here I am. sitting here.writing.in.a.blog.that nobody reads. It has come to this. how sad.
Oh and I must add. I am watching the Disney channel and the baby is sleeping.
blah.
Friday, July 29, 2011
I am starting to feel like myself again.. spooky
So now that I am losing weight.. I am returning.. the real me. Sounds crazy ..right? Oh I know.. But every since I found out I was pregnant and had my beautiful daughter ...I have not felt like me. I lost myself....I became a fat boring version of myself..Lost my confidence .
It is slowing come back now..To me this diet/weight loss ....is more than that..It's somewhat of a journey to become ME again. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin..since.. well.. my wedding day.. I was thin ...I was small and my dress fit perfectly. That was the last time I can remember feeling "good" about myself... Now, I am only referring to myself.. my self image.. Being a mother has been great..please don't get me wrong. I have loved every second of it.. My daughter is a blessing.. and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.. But with that being said.. I owe it to her to be happy.
My image problem has been just that a "problem" ..making leaving the house a huge task. Feeling unattractive & monster like... This may sound like an exaggeration ..I can assure you.. It is not.
I have been living in pajama pants and sweat pants for the past 6 months.. Embarrassed to wear normal clothes..thinking that other people would just view me as sloppy and since I couldn't fit in anything ...I would try and not leave the house ..I did not want to buy clothes.. some how that was like ...saying "It's okay I am fat & unattractive" ..and I could not bring myself to do that. Once right after my daughter was born..I had to break down and buy a pair of jeans.. only because I had NOTHING else to wear.. all my old jeans ... were way...waaaaay too small and my maternity jeans were too big and wouldn't stay up.. so I found myself in the fitting room struggling with the image staring back at me.. Remembering when I was a size 7 ...now.. trying on and fitting into size 16 jeans. This could NOT be me.
Let me say this.. I know at least one person will read this and chuckle to themselves and think I am being over dramatic...because maybe size 16 isn't that big.. or .. well I just had a baby.. what did I expect ? ... I am sure.. maybe it's you.. maybe you are jumping to judgement.. and thinking I am just a self centered.. egotistical asshole.. That's fine.. but do me a favor ..give me the benefit of doubt.. Maybe ..just maybe...I am being completely honest and not over dramatic.. and putting myself out there and discussing something that I keep deep inside because I have been afraid of being judged and called a drama queen.. or whatever. You may think that I only care about looks.. or that I think that if a person is overweight .. they need to be embarrassed and unable to be happy.. No.. that is NOT it at all.. I am jealous of anyone 110 lbs or 300 lbs that can be happy with themselves.. That feeling is not a feeling I am familiar with.
It is slowing come back now..To me this diet/weight loss ....is more than that..It's somewhat of a journey to become ME again. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin..since.. well.. my wedding day.. I was thin ...I was small and my dress fit perfectly. That was the last time I can remember feeling "good" about myself... Now, I am only referring to myself.. my self image.. Being a mother has been great..please don't get me wrong. I have loved every second of it.. My daughter is a blessing.. and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.. But with that being said.. I owe it to her to be happy.
My image problem has been just that a "problem" ..making leaving the house a huge task. Feeling unattractive & monster like... This may sound like an exaggeration ..I can assure you.. It is not.
I have been living in pajama pants and sweat pants for the past 6 months.. Embarrassed to wear normal clothes..thinking that other people would just view me as sloppy and since I couldn't fit in anything ...I would try and not leave the house ..I did not want to buy clothes.. some how that was like ...saying "It's okay I am fat & unattractive" ..and I could not bring myself to do that. Once right after my daughter was born..I had to break down and buy a pair of jeans.. only because I had NOTHING else to wear.. all my old jeans ... were way...waaaaay too small and my maternity jeans were too big and wouldn't stay up.. so I found myself in the fitting room struggling with the image staring back at me.. Remembering when I was a size 7 ...now.. trying on and fitting into size 16 jeans. This could NOT be me.
Let me say this.. I know at least one person will read this and chuckle to themselves and think I am being over dramatic...because maybe size 16 isn't that big.. or .. well I just had a baby.. what did I expect ? ... I am sure.. maybe it's you.. maybe you are jumping to judgement.. and thinking I am just a self centered.. egotistical asshole.. That's fine.. but do me a favor ..give me the benefit of doubt.. Maybe ..just maybe...I am being completely honest and not over dramatic.. and putting myself out there and discussing something that I keep deep inside because I have been afraid of being judged and called a drama queen.. or whatever. You may think that I only care about looks.. or that I think that if a person is overweight .. they need to be embarrassed and unable to be happy.. No.. that is NOT it at all.. I am jealous of anyone 110 lbs or 300 lbs that can be happy with themselves.. That feeling is not a feeling I am familiar with.
The weight is coming off!!!
I am not sure how long it's been now.. But I have been on weight watchers and I am down about 30 lbs altogether since my last dr's appt :) Bye Bye baby weight!!
My short term goal of 175 lbs by August 27 is only 3 lbs away!!!
My ultimate goal is to get down to 135 lbs by January 7, Emma's 1st birthday!
My short term goal of 175 lbs by August 27 is only 3 lbs away!!!
My ultimate goal is to get down to 135 lbs by January 7, Emma's 1st birthday!
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