It has been awhile.. here I am back up to 165.6 and with a severe muffin top.. oh lord..I am fine with never being a size 0 ..however ..I would love to be a friggin 5..ugh.. So my plan is to start dieting again tomorrow.. I hate this time of year..It is sooo hard to stay motivated and lose weight.. between thanksgiving and christmas.. the delicious food and the lack of sunlight at the end of my work day.. I feel soo blah..95 % of the day . And I ate like 18 cookies this past weekend.. I am not proud of that.. or am I ? .. Then I watch ANTM and thinking to myself maybe..an eating disorder is in order.. anorexia.. nah I like eating way too much.. bulemia is def more down my alley.. (I can kid about this..because I have had both eating disorders in the past..so judge me now bitches) I am kidding.. half kidding.
But honestly.. the way that females are viewed in this society is totally effed up.. horrible. I have heard of several cases where schools have labeled children as "borderline obese" or just simply "obese" and these children are by no stretch of the imagination conventionally obese.. not even fat.. and by most standards.. not chubby they are pretty much your average kid. When I was little.. it was called baby fat.. and you grew out of it.. as you have growth spurts....you slim down..It saddens me that we are holding young children especially girls at such unrealistic standards regarding their body images.. Girls are already basically becoming anorexic before they get their period...now.. they are being told in 1st grade they are fat. Seriously? It is bad enough that we cannot see "Real" women in magazines..and how a lane bryant commercial with a curvy woman in a bra and panties cannot be shown on tv because of its "content" on the same channel that without a thought...will run a VS ad.. double standard much? a size 3 in a bra and panties.. is fine.. a size 13 in a bra and panties...is despicable. Curvy women unite.. let's get together and have a burger!!
I do think it is very important to teach good eating habits and exercise.. of course.. But to make a "child" worry about their weight..when it is obviously NOT an issue is detremental to their health.. more so then the extra 5 they packed on between growth spurts.. and YES.. there are kids that do have weight problems and YES..they should be addressed...and of course.. I understand there has to be a line drawn somewhere.. of course.. but seriously a children that looks perfectly healthy and are active..why do they have to be given a self esteem issue just because thin is in?
I have struggled my whole life with my looks.. my distorted body image and my hatred of my complexion..and this was something brought on by myself well with help from the media of course and this society's emphasis on being "skinny and perfect" ...but my point is.. I was plenty effed up without the help of my school nurse.. At my skinniest I was a size 0 and 120 lbs ..and that was with 2 eating disorders and lots of diet pills ..
so.. even though being skinny seems so great a lot of the time.. it wasn't all that great. trust me. I have came to the conclusion I will never be a size 0 again.. and oddly enough..most of the time.. I am okay with that.
I have stretch marks and saggy skin and my boobs have felt the evil clutches of gravity and breastfeeding .. (TMI?) but.. that's because I made a human.. I carried a beautiful little daughter in my belly for 37 weeks.. and I probably would have bounced back a lot better/faster.. if I didn't eat everything in sight while pregnant.. But I digress.. I have came to terms with my "new" body.. Just because my body isn't worthy of being in a magazine.. just because I won't be able to wear a bikini again.. doesn't make me any less beautiful.
So my daughter will be 11 months December 7...so.. it took all this time for me to come to the realization that this is my body and some days I am more okay with that ..than other days. But my point is.. I have been through years of hating my body.. and loving it ..then hating it again... (most of the time.. I hated it) Even though now I am not 110% in love with my body ...I still consider myself a beautiful person.. and not only because of what I look like.. I am a great mother.. not perfect but I do my absolute best...and dedicate every breath to my daughter.. I have ..in my opinion..THE BEST sense of humor..EVER..I have odd little quirks that make me ..me.. etc etc..
So from here on out.. I will be watching what I eat.. staying active.. but not killing myself to get thin. I am going to try and not dwell on my looks.. as hard as that is.. I will be trying my absolute best to not gain anymore weight.. but if I do.. that's fine.. I will still be awesome...as awesome as I am now
and remember.. fat people are harder to kidnap..
