So now that I am losing weight.. I am returning.. the real me. Sounds crazy ..right? Oh I know.. But every since I found out I was pregnant and had my beautiful daughter ...I have not felt like me. I lost myself....I became a fat boring version of myself..Lost my confidence .
It is slowing come back now..To me this diet/weight loss ....is more than that..It's somewhat of a journey to become ME again. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin..since.. well.. my wedding day.. I was thin ...I was small and my dress fit perfectly. That was the last time I can remember feeling "good" about myself... Now, I am only referring to myself.. my self image.. Being a mother has been great..please don't get me wrong. I have loved every second of it.. My daughter is a blessing.. and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.. But with that being said.. I owe it to her to be happy.
My image problem has been just that a "problem" ..making leaving the house a huge task. Feeling unattractive & monster like... This may sound like an exaggeration ..I can assure you.. It is not.
I have been living in pajama pants and sweat pants for the past 6 months.. Embarrassed to wear normal clothes..thinking that other people would just view me as sloppy and since I couldn't fit in anything ...I would try and not leave the house ..I did not want to buy clothes.. some how that was like ...saying "It's okay I am fat & unattractive" ..and I could not bring myself to do that. Once right after my daughter was born..I had to break down and buy a pair of jeans.. only because I had NOTHING else to wear.. all my old jeans ... were way...waaaaay too small and my maternity jeans were too big and wouldn't stay up.. so I found myself in the fitting room struggling with the image staring back at me.. Remembering when I was a size 7 ...now.. trying on and fitting into size 16 jeans. This could NOT be me.
Let me say this.. I know at least one person will read this and chuckle to themselves and think I am being over dramatic...because maybe size 16 isn't that big.. or .. well I just had a baby.. what did I expect ? ... I am sure.. maybe it's you.. maybe you are jumping to judgement.. and thinking I am just a self centered.. egotistical asshole.. That's fine.. but do me a favor ..give me the benefit of doubt.. Maybe ..just maybe...I am being completely honest and not over dramatic.. and putting myself out there and discussing something that I keep deep inside because I have been afraid of being judged and called a drama queen.. or whatever. You may think that I only care about looks.. or that I think that if a person is overweight .. they need to be embarrassed and unable to be happy.. No.. that is NOT it at all.. I am jealous of anyone 110 lbs or 300 lbs that can be happy with themselves.. That feeling is not a feeling I am familiar with.
You're not over dramatic... we've gone through so much in the last year! This time last year you were like 20 weeks pregnant, weird right? I'm sure lots of people feel the same way you do, but were taught to put on a "happy face" and carry on, well thats very hard to do after you've gone through what we have... you've gone from Tanya to Mommy in just a few months, its so easy to lose you're identity when you're wrapped up in being Mommy. I feel the same way, just hard to admit it.
ReplyDeleteIt wont happen overnight, but slowly and surely we will get ourselves back. Even though you don't feel like it, you are beautiful! You are a great person, one of the funniest people I've ever met, and an AWESOME mother. I know it'll take a while for you to see in the mirror what we all see in you, but we all know you're in there, and we can still see you even though you may not be able to see it yourself yet.
thanks Ashley :) and ditto <3
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