Its Saturday...another lazy boring weekend.. Alex is here so this morning she watched Emma while I slept in.. I guess I needed the extra sleep..FINALLY the stomach virus has left this apt.. so no more cleaning up puke ...thank god.
Normal Saturday morning in the Stepp Residence.. wake up to what looks like toys-r-us or a daycare threw up on the floor in the living room..dirty dishes in the sink and having to pee really bad and now the heartburn is starting to last through the night into the morning & it's now..let's see...2:51 pm and yep still got it. lucky for the makers of generic Sam's club brand tums ...not so lucky for me.
I have been in the mood to write lately.. hence the blog posts.. but I find it hard to come up with topics and I am pretty sure this shit is as boring as watching paint dry so I don't share the posts on this blog really with anyone. I used to write poetry and have wanted to get back into that again. But have lost my inspiration.. as a young woman I had a lot of heartbreak and dumb decisions ... a huge darkness that fell over my heart for most of my teen/early 20s years.. now here I am 32 married ..stay at home mom at the present time to a 2yr old.. and now going on 29 wks pregnant with my son.. I find it hard to really write about anything that would be semi-interesting for people to read.. and then I ask myself.. is that why I write in here?? for others to read and be interested in ? or do I do this for me as some kind of outlet for a woman that has no social life, no hobbies and what seems like a lack of friends at times.. ??? It is hard to say.. It is even harder to think about.. but what can I do.. So here I am writing to myself about myself... seems narcissistic ..
I remember nights out.. nights that didn't end..went right into the early morning..hangovers from hell..walks of shame..eating meals out of cans (literally) ..I don't miss any of this..that part of my life is now over and that is totally fine with me.. but I miss that free spirit or crazy spirit whatever in the hell that even was. I never regret moving to PA, settling down, getting married or having children.. that really has nothing to do with this..but I miss my old self.. even the person I was when I first met my husband. I mean I did have a lot more energy and time for myself maybe that is it. I am not 100% sure ...
Let's go back.. 2010..we got married in April , April 3, 2010 to be exact. then a couple months or the next month actually I found out I was pregnant.. something I honestly thought would never happen to me for numerous reasons. I always secretly wanted to have a child but never thought it would happen.. and very thankful it happened when it did.. I don't have the best track record for my choice in guys, except of course my husband. But anyway... right after we were married I was pregnant.. so it was like we never had that honeymoon period.. I went from being engaged for a couple years and having fun with my fiancee' to being a wife... then all of a sudden a little plus sign gave me a new job.. now a mother.. me a mother.. I remember the disbelief of it all even after basically "knowing" I was pregnant for weeks before I actually decided to get a test.. I remember crying and crying and crying and be so scared shitless. Everything was gonna be different I just knew it.. but at that point I had no clue to what extent. I recently lost some friends was going through some emotional shit before I even got pregnant.. or at least knew I was pregnant. I was trying to figure it all out.. and here I am going on 3 yrs later.. still trying.
So as I previously said .. my life was about to be different..so much different. In a lot of ways it is definitely for the better.. however I still find myself yearning for the old me.. wondering if I can ever find my way back. During my pregnancy with my daughter I started feeling the changes.. the hormonal ones and the body changes and for the first time.. I had to start being responsible for another human being.. which was probably the most scary of all the different emotions I was feeling. Sometimes even now I still can't believe.. "I" am someones mom.. it's getting easier and easier to fathom though.. since this is over 2 years into actually becoming a mother and about 3 years since first becoming pregnant.. it has more than sunken in some days.. I absolutely love being a mother and don't want to come off differently but I really don't feel like myself anymore.. like I feel a total disconnect from who I used to be. I am imagining this has a lot to do with being jobless.. no social life like previously stated above. It gets hard some days when I don't have that bond that friend bond with anyone really anymore.. besides my husband.. On a daily basis my social life consists of talking to a toddler.. a lot of "no's" "sit down" "I love you's" then I see my mom which I enjoy being able to spend time with her.. but everyone knows.. that's not what would be defined as a healthy social life.. then later.. my husband comes home.. he's got a lot to talk about considering he actually leaves the house.. has friends that he sees on a regular basis..has a job.. a life basically outside the house. I used to be one of those working moms that even know I worked from home I still considered myself a working mom..I would think that it has be so awesome to be a stay at home mom.. not working.. and for the most part I was 100% wrong.. but it does get lonely especially when you don't really get out much. I am hoping that once the baby is born I can get a job that I don't despise and be able to get out of the house. I need that.. more than you will ever know. (generally speaking) All I really want is some kind of social interaction.. and yes I do have 2 friends that I do make plans with and have play dates with... but again...this is ONLY involving Emma.. I don't have times when I get to hang out with people without Emma.. and again I feel guilty saying this and feeling this way.. I do love being around her and hanging out with her.. but I really think I am missing out on having my own life.. I don't mean going out every night.. I don't even mean drinking ..or going anywhere.. just having girl time.. without kids.. maybe it is in fact too much to ask.. I am not really sure.. I do believe though if it weren't for FB and other social networking I most likely wouldn't be so hung up on the fact that this sort interaction alludes me. I remember back when I didn't know what everyone ate for dinner and or what they did this past weekend.. and shockingly I was okay with that.. and my life went on. SO I guess I am trailing off.. and to think this was the reason I can't read Stephen King.. because of his rambling and here I am.. with run on sentences and jumping from one topic to another.. Anyway back to my point..wait.. did I even have one?
I typically self analyze on a regular basis, I have come to the conclusion that I was so used to having options.. different people to call to hang out with..back when I was single.. without kids.. etc.. and now that I live over an hour from the town I grew up in .. I have decided that is the underlying issue...Now I live here..away from childhood memories.. high school..well not even high school friends.. didn't have many of those either.. I should say "after high school" friends.. and then this brings me to another point... a possible rambling thought.. but here it goes.. in high school I was basically friendless.. I had the typical "high school" boyfriend.. a best friend and a group of friends that changed almost as much as I dyed my hair.. which at the time...was a lot. I was categorized as a "freak" an outcast if you will and as I think back to my wardrobe and my attitude I can't blame anyone but myself.. I took the whole teenage angst thing to a whole new level .. and I had friends.. I did.. ones like me.. but sadly most of those relationships didn't last. A few people I had continued being friends with after high school a couple of people that were bad for me and some that weren't bad per say. Well not then anyways. So again.. I went a little off track again, but my point is this.. I didn't have the typical "normal" high school experience.. I didn't attend parties.. sports events.. I didn't go on my senior trip ... I didn't go to my prom.. I didn't do any normal high school things..and I think a part of me .. tried to relive that in my 20s ..so I was always a decade behind in my social life.. if that even makes any sense..
Basically I guess my point is .. I wish I had more of a normal social life in the past.. maybe I wouldn't yearn for one so bad now. and maybe just maybe at 32 years old I am having some kinda crisis....like a 1/4 life crisis or something... or maybe it's just the hormones.. or just a stay at home mom bored.. out of her mind. And I see people on FB that have normal friendships however they don't live far away from their hometown and had to start all over again .... maybe it's time for a FB hiatus.. and just keep updating my blog but I know a lot of people love my posts about Emma and my pregnancy but I can't help to think.. that spending an unhealthy amount of my time on FB helps my depression issues.. I did forget to mention above that part of my .. well basically my whole social life is online and that is so sad.. I actually feel bad for myself and want to punch myself at the same time.. however I won't punch a pregnant woman.
So here I am hours later.. saving this...closing the laptop.. tending to Emma.. coming back and writing more.. I can't help to think that this did help a little.. at least I got my thoughts out and it wasn't on FB ...less of a chance of being mocked and / or judged.
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